Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You've changed since you got that strap on
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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