i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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