i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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