it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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