he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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