A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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