Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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