Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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