I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My vagina is very pro this idea
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
