I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
