yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
