Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
