my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
