her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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