We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
