I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize