I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
