Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Also, beer. Big fan.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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