as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
nutella sex= disaster
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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