new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
