My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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