Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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