I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
