I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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