it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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