toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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