He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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