Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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