i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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