she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
