Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
