I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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