Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
