dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
