I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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