Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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