Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He better not be in your backpack
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
