so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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