Joe is yelling at the trees again.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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