Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
