it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
