dude i'm inner monologue high
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
