Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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