If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Sext me about skeletons
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
