His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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