So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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