a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
now i know why i became what i already was.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize