Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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