Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
