I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
