Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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