went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
True strength comes from lack of pants
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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