i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
