Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
