Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He passed out mid-signature
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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