i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
