So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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