i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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