I'm gonna have a badass scar
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
