Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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