i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
