It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
