I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
