i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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