I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
