I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
